Dinner

Another reason that I'm unhappy with Tor:

Tonight is Friday night. Tor calls at 9:30 pm as he is about to go out with his nephew, niece, and a second-cousin. I know the nephew. I've met him several times. Over the phone, I told him that I was hungry as I hadn't eaten yet. He was on his way out to dinner with these people. As a boyfriend, he makes no attempt to include me in his plans. No dinner invitation. Nothing.

Strike 23512. Yet, I'm still around.

Disappointment

Another instance where Tor lied to me:

Tor and I had a chat after our Scotland trip about future trips.
I commented on his Belize trip after we were speaking about Hermes luggage. Nothing serious.
He said he couldn't use frequent flyer miles for that trip. Then I asked him about Christmas, indicating that that date was far enough away to warrant some mile usage. He made no mention about that trip. He failed to realize that I already found out that he already booked tickets to go home to Seattle for Christmas. He didn't tell me, invite me or consult me.

A boyfriend of two years not mentioning a trip away during the holidays - do I have a right to be upset? I'm a fool for staying with someone who blatantly lies to my face. Why do I do this to myself? Who would I disrespect myself so much to remain in such a relationship? Did he not tell me because he's 1. an asshole 2. oblivious 3. a cheat and a liar? I'd really like to know.

Hamburg Song

I cry when I hear this song because I feel this way about Torkle these days

I don't wanna be adored
Don't wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

No, don't wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home

I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
I give much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Will you see me in the end
Or is it just a waste of time
Trying to be your friend
Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
Warm me up again

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple

I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Say a word or two to brighten my day
Do you think that you could see your way

To lay yourself down
And make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

For boyfriends - I'm just not one of them

It's 3 am. I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how you would go 70 blocks for David (from 78th Street to NYU) but you won't come visit me 10 blocks away.

And to everyone, you're not shy about having had boyfriends (David - "ex-boyfriend"), but you insist on introducing me as a friend. I'm insulted and embarassed.

I used to think that such introductions and your reluctance to travel was your inability to do so but I just see that you just don't care enough about me specifically to make those actual priorities in your life.

Walk the Walk

Your words mean a lot of me. Your actions mean just as much.
So, when those two don't match, I'm torn.

I'm not sorry to have left last night, but I miss you.